Today as I sit here at home in France with such feelings of homesickness so strong that I can’t breathe and I ache inside to be home with my family and friends. I have been in France with my husband and son for almost two years now, but things have not progressed as we had wished and I feel they never will. I am constantly trying to look for a job, but they do not seem to want to hire Americans unless it is to teach English and I do not wish to do that as a living. I do teach now because it brings in money.
When I first came to France I was very excited to be here and wanted everything to be perfect, but after a year and a half I have found out that it was not meant to be because my heart is not in France as my home. After being in France for less than a year my mother had a heart attack and I was not there to help her get better or even be there for her unless it was through the internet. My father has had two strokes, my grandmother has passed on, my son graduated high school, he got married, my oldest son joined the Navy and I have been at none of these things because we cannot afford for me to go back and forth to see these things happen.
I have felt so bad and selfish for our son because he is only 3 ½ and being here he will never get the chance to have memories of his grandparents growing up to carry with him as I do with my own grandparents. He was never able to see my grandmother before she passed and that bothers me.
My husband feels that I am trying to prevent him from moving forward, but I do not see things moving forward after two years and it is really starting to bother me emotionally and physically. I get so depressed about how we both feel towards me going home to be with my family in the US that I want to cry, but I have to keep things inside for our son’s sake. I am always at home with our son without much time for myself to do anything just for me, yet I feel selfish for needing anything just for me.
Is going home just for me? Personally I do not feel it is just for me because my parents are getting at an age where I worry about them and me not being there for them and my son not being able to know them in his life. Maybe these things are only just trivial to some but to me they are truly significant in my life and I carry the burden daily of wondering if my marriage will survive if I return home.